Helmet-Head Meets Clip-Head

Sunday, July 27th, 2008

I need help y’all. I’ve got big time bad hair. I actually thought losing weight would somehow give me good hair… I no doubt need to lose some weight, but I don’t think it’s going to help my helmet-head. Right now I have bad hair AND bad thighs.

Mom, I love you and everything, but when you get a new ‘do and told you look like your mother - well, you need the hair fairy to visit you real quick... Not that I don’t think my mom looks great; I’m just not ready to be her twin sister.

For years I got my hair done in Austin by Chris; he was awesome and knew exactly how to style my hair. But it started becoming a logistical nightmare trying to get to Austin. I work and live an hour from there, so figuring out how to schedule an appointment with a stylist that takes weeks to see, while my schedule changes every 2 hours, you just end up with a no-win situation. Although he was a great and talented guy, we had no choice but to break up. So, I started going to a young girl closer to my house. I really like her, she’s sweet as she can be and cute as a bug; it’s just that she’s not my Chris. She’ll do anything I ask her – and that’s the problem. You see, Chris would tell ME what I needed…. He just knew what to do and what would look best with my type of hair.

I knew that Chris was the perfect stylist the first time I went to my new girl. She said, “So what was your guy in Austin doing about your gray?”



GRAY? Are you saying I have GRAY hair?

She said, “Yeah, look at this. And this. Oh, and this… And look, here’s more.”

Okay, Okay, enough already….

Chris NEVER told me I had gray, y’all! He just did his thing, taking care of it by telling me he thought I needed some “low-lights”. As they say, a good hairdresser will never tell….

So anyway, you know you have bad hair when:

1. You go to work and Dee says, “Girl, you better go see if your guy in Austin can fix that!"

2. Jack says 3 times in one day: “Remember how you’re hair used to look when you lived in L.A.?”

Long before I was Lavender Chick, I was L.A. Chick, which is where I lived when Jack and I fell in love… So of course, in the eyes of Jack at the time, my hair was perfect. In fact, according to him, everything about me was perfect back then. You know how men are when they fall in love – you can do no wrong.

I could have worn a turd on my head back then and Jack would have said, “That’s the most beautiful turd I have ever seen...”

Fast forward a few years and it’s confirmed. I have bad hair. I’m forced to be a clip-head so that my helmet-head isn’t so severe. The classic clip-head look:

I am now what I vowed to never be when I was in high school: A clip-head. You see, where I come from, only pregnant women are clip-heads. Let me give you some history: When I was in high school, two of our teachers were pregnant. They were attractive and young teachers, although at the time they didn’t seem so young... Come to think of it, they were probably almost 20 years younger than I am right now (now that’s a horrible thought)… Anyway, I’ll never forget the day that my girlfriend, Sami said, “So what is it about being pregnant that means you have to stick a big ‘ole clip on the top of your head?” It seems that the pregnant teachers stopped styling their hair as soon as they found out they were pregnant; instead (and for obvious reasons, I’m sure), they acquired the rolled out of bed and stuck a clip in my head look.

Sami, Lisa, and I vowed right then and there, in 1981, to never be clip-heads… Even if being sick and pregnant warranted it, we would never take such drastic measures. I mean, come on – we would never ruin our “feathers” with a clip!

And now here I am.

I’m Clip-head Chick….

If you have any suggestions on what I can do with the helmet, PLEASE let me know!

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